Movie Review: Bottom 100: Laserblast

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening...whenever it is you have come across this entry.  Today, 12/31/17, I am watching the bottom 100 flick Laserblast!  "A teenager stumbles upon an alien weapon, which transforms him into a grotesque killer."  It stars Kim Milford, Cheryl Smith and Gianni Russo.  It currently has a rating of 2.5 with 4890 votes.

• My wife says it has green lettering it has to be bad...we shall see!
• Roddy McDowell is in this
• I'm just going to quote my wife "Why does he look like Mick Jagger"
• I've seen worse CGI in modern SyFy flicks
• That is an "ET Dinosaur" according to my better half
• I'm sorry now it is a Mick Jagger Zombie
• 70's pants and ass
• "My mom still has that luggage" - Wife
• Is that his mom?
• Wow...the dialog is AMAZING!

• The 70's, when shirts were optional EVERYWHERE!  This guy has not had one on yet
• What is on the back of the van...a turkey?
• So the "col." is wasted/high/shell shocked right?
• Cops were almost always fat and stupid in 70's movies
• Yes red neck honky tonk music for the cops!
• Yeah...how is your momma these days?
• Why does he have bigfoot prints on his van?
• Jeebus cars flipped easier in the 70's I guess
• He is going to race...in a van?
• Best laugh in movie HISTORY!!!
• The gun shoots on its own?
• Is that a potato gun?
• Is this guy a pre-teen?
• Looks a little like a penis pump....I heard....um....
• Why the sudden music?
• You can tell they are aliens; they only have three fingers
• Is that guy a man in black?
• That is a lot of skin for the deserts
• Is that the mothers of dragons?
• Is that cake or a pancake?
• France exploded their 28th atom bomb?  Really?
• Oh a rape scene....how nice....with the nerds?
• Watch out...he has a tennis racket...like Jim Cornette!

• Those are some 70's shorts or Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders
• That laser gun is giving that guy an orgasm I think!
• Yep he was a man in black
• That was a Star Trek panel!
• So he is full zombie with a laser gun now

Yeah that flick was bad.  I mean it was just bad!  The dialog was bad and the acting was bad.  I do not have much to say about this flick.  DO NOT WATCH IT!!

Movie Review: Kangaroo Jack

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening....whenever it is you have found this review.  Today, 9/29/17, I am checking out the flick Kangaroo Jack for some reason.  Why?  I do not know>  I remember that the flick made me laugh when I saw it in the theaters...but that was a while ago and I often laugh at horrible things.  "Two childhood friends, a New York hairstylist and a would-be musician, get caught up with the mob and are forced to deliver $50,000 to Australia, but things go haywire when the money is lost to a wild kangaroo."  It stars Anthony Anderson, Jerry O'Connell and Estella Warren.  It currently has a 4.4/10 with 25,044.

• Did this become Borderlands?
• Seriously?  This is the music for this scene?
• Does he actually think he can outrun the cops in that panel van?
• Oh how the career of Anthony Anderson has grown
• Oh Christopher Walken...why
• How...who....did I laugh at this before?
• Oh...because they want you to think that they are talking about poopy...
• Did someone on speed edit this?
• Of course this song is in the flick
• What?  What was Jerry O'Connell just doing?
• How did he not see that kangaroo?
• Okay...Anthony still makes me laugh
• Banger short of a barbie?  
• What is the point of these weird scenes with kangaroo and the random noises?
• Okay, I hate to admit it this is still making me laugh, especially Anthony Anderson
• He can fly just fine after those drinks
• He does look friendly
• Why did they put their shirts back on?  EDITING!
• Michael Shannon is strange looking...well more than usual
• Grits?  Chicken and waffles?
• I hate that I laugh at this horrible acting and what not
• Yep, grabbing boobs is the first thing I do when I see things in the desert
• Chicken blood!
• Yep, nothing says family flick like groping and chicken blood
• More poop/fart humor?  Really?
• Really a training Training Montage?  
• Why did the guys take their shirts off but she didn't?
• Did I suddenly switch to a Michael Bay flick?
• These experienced mobsters didn't notice the guy had scissors in his pants?
• These guys are morons!
• Really?  I don't think those camels are going to catch up with that roo...but what do I know
• And according to Google I am wrong, camels can run faster than roos
• Looks just like they are really on the cliff....
• Worst pick up shots ever, didn't even look like she was in the same place
• Yep, retard is family friendly!

Well at least the flick is short.  That is really the only thing I can good about it.  That isn't true. O'Connell and Anderson did actually have good chemistry.  I felt like they were life long friends.  On top of that I felt the writing between those two felt right.  The two act pretty much just like I do with my best friend.  Then there was the rest of the movie (to paraphrase Paul Harvey)

The script itself was horrible and the acting felt phoned in like actors knew this was a trainwreck while they performed.  The affects were horrible and they must have forced all the Jacky Legs Kangaroo crap in at the end (I just looked on IMDB and that basically said they did after Snow Dogs).

That being said I still laughed at the stupid stuff more then I'd care to admit but I did.  For that I give it a 6/10, and that is only because O'Connell and Anderson felt so real.  Aside from that it is not a good flick.  

Bottom 100 Movie Review: Devil Fish

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening...whenever it is you have come across this review.  Today I am checking out the Bottom 100 flick Devil Fish.  As of 12/03/17 it is #97 with 2.4 rating with 2681 votes.  It stars Michael Sopkiw, Valentine Monnier and Gianni Garko.  "A marine biologist, a dolphin trainer, a research scientist, and a local sheriff try to hunt down a large sea monster, a shark/octopus hybrid, that is devouring swimmers and fishermen off a south Florida coast."  FYI:  I could not find a real trailer for this flick...probably not a good sign!

• Monster Shark?  I thought this was called Devil Fish...it cannot even get its name right?  Good grief maybe I should have viewed this at home with a bottle of rum!
• Wow those coast guard guys are well trained what with the yelling as they jump 10 feet...if that
• And I would think they would have better masks then that, I think I did as a kid in our pool!
• cheese 80's stash, very nice!
• Donald and Minnie?  Why mix the names
• With it coming right at the boat it sure didn't do anything to said boat
• JESUS!  Did you see the arms on Cortez!
• 80's acting was really the peak of acting
• Awesome back talk!
• 80's background music was great too
• That is 80's hair at its best...and I think my mom's hair cut now.....
• There are the 80's boobs, no reason for them but there they are
• Did he just tell her to "croak"?  
• I feel like the video game girl is very close to underage
• Is this softcore porn?
• That water was a lot deeper that he was in....wasn't it?
• How would they get the size?
• The actors cannot keep their accents straight!
• The seaquarium?
• That might be the most advanced tech possible in 1984
• They need to fiddle with knobs a lot back in the 80's
• Why was he trying to save the guy BEFORE he flatlined?
• Protosharks?
• So it is part shark part squid?
• 12 Ton boat?
• WTF kind of bathing suit is that?
• What kind of beer cans are those?
• There is a killer prehistoric fish in the water killing people...lets go for a swim!
• This might be the worst paced movie I have seen for a while
• And another random love scene....
• Probably should yell behind you BEFORE the tentacle grabs him...just a thought
• I think that computer is related to K-9
• This flick might be the longer 90 minutes ever
• Ah yes the shot of the guy walking through the office
• Of course it is just a guy creating it
• Too old for science?  Does that happen?
• And the award for best death scene goes to Dr. Davis!
• A monster killer fish is on the way....so why not be in the water....uggg movie logic sometimes
• Probably shouldn't have drug him through the water just in case
• How did it get get dark so suddenly?
• How did they lose the GIANT MONSTER FISH?
• Uggg, the logic is driving me insane!
• That is how they decided to end the flick huh?

This movie isn't bad as much as it is campy and dumb.  I think the ratings are about right, I give it a 3/10.  It is right on the cusp of being one of the bottom 100 flicks I have seen but not sure if I would put it on the list.  Borderline for sure.

The effects are campy but it was the 80's.  The acting is campy but was the 80's.  I mean the entire thing screams of 80's movie to be honest.  There is nothing horrible about it nothing good.  Like a few of the bad movies I have watched lately, it is not bad enough to laugh at and not quite campy enough to be enjoyable.  It was just there for me unfortunately.  

Overall if you are into bad movies I guess this one fits but there are more enjoyable bad movies out there!  

Movie Review: Star Wars Last Jedi

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening....whenever it is you have come across this review.  Today I'm talking about the latest in the never-ending Star Wars series...thank you Disney!

THE UGLY

There isn't a lot I can put in here.  My biggest complaint is that it is long.  I feel that it needs to have between 20-30 minutes shaved off.  I would not cut any scenes completely but several of them could have been shortened.  I call them the "Star Wars" scenes where they do long panning shots of several weird creatures to fit into the world.

THE BAD

The writing and acting is still lacking but note nearly as bad as Episode 1-3.  What is sad is that it is the main actors that suffer the most.  Ben and Rey are the two that suffer the most from the bad writing I think.  Several times during their interactions it felt...I guess I would say forced.  Unlike some of the other actors the interactions just did not feel real.  It is too bad because you get glimpses from Rey that there is more there but then the bad writing and what I call "Gal Godat" face, you know the one where it is anger/bitch face no matter what the scene calls for.  Rey suffers from that to a certain extent.  It is also weird to say that the two main characters are also, in my opinion, the two worst performers in the flick.

It is weird that Godat is like that in the movies because she isn't outside of the movies

THE GOOD

The one thing that struck me in this flick was that the pacing, for the most part, was very good.  While I said it was long the pacing was very well done.  At no point was I begging for it to end which is good for me.  I find that anything over 90 minutes and I start to get antsy most of the time.  I thought that Mark Hamill and Domhnall Gleeson, who is General Hux, were easily the stars in my opinion.  Gleeson was fantastic and I am not sure I have seen him in anything else.

The story itself was a nice departure from Star Wars where it actually felt like there was a story here.  Unlike 7 this felt like a new story.  Sure it had elements of all Star Wars film but one thing about these flicks is that they do have the basics of story telling down well, even if often paint by numbers in my opinion.

Looking for pictures and what not from the film I might have been a little hard on Rey and her facial expressions.  While watching the film I felt like she made one or two faces and that was it.  I could be wrong there.

Bottom line is that this was easily my favorite Star Wars flick.  While that is like saying you are the thinest kid at fat camp it is still some praise!

Over on IMDB it currently has a 7.8 (as of 12/19/17) and I agree it is between a 7 and a 8.  Since I am pretty hard on these flicks and I did enjoy it I will go on the over and say 8.  Worth checking out because it is a good film with a good story and decent acting.  It made me interested in the next flick, number 9, so it did its job.  

Good grief I forgot one major thing in the ugly!  At no point, not once, did Hamill laugh like the Joker. I am sorry but if I hear Hamill and do NOT get to hear the Joker laugh that is a major ugly moment for me!

Movie Review: Dead Sushi

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening...whenever it is you have come across this entry.  Today I am checking out a flick that my lovely wife suggested to me.  She knows my love for bad movies and she found the 2012 flick Dead Sushi.  As of 12/06/17 it has a 5.8 out of 10 with 1018 votes. It stars  Rina Takeda, Kentarô Shimazu and Takamasa Suga.  "Keiko, the daughter of a legendary sushi chef, runs away from home when his Karate-style regimen becomes too severe. Finding work at a rural hot springs inn, she is ridiculed by the eccentric staff and guests."  What this had to do with dead sushi I have no idea!  But I have always said I will watch just about any flick suggested to me (there are limits....look at you Human Centipede flicks).  So lets delve into the world of....DEAD SUSHI!

• Raw fish is really gross looking!
• 11 years to learn how to make sushi?  Really?  
• Wait...so sushi is made by ninjas?  That...makes it slightly more interesting 
• It seems really unclean to do marital arts around food
• Did he just say women smell like fish?  
• Of course there are pervy business men
• That janitor guy is creepy
• "You have nice hand you know that?"  
• Penalty?  A kiss? 
• Those are some kissing sounds alright
• Shouldn't they be kung fu fighting?  Is that wrong of me to say?
• Did he just throw shrimp...nope it was a squid
• He just got tongued by his girlfriend!
• This movie is really creepy with the male/female dynamic
• Wow these guys REALLY like sushi and its making
• That guy was looking at that sushi very...um....sexually
• Seriously these people REALLY like sushi
• The Von Erichs would be proud of that Iron Claw!
• They are going to kill the sushi chef?
• He was going to kill her for saying his sushi was bad?
• YES!  Gang fight over sushi!  
• Right in the salmon roll!
• We need an American Version of this....over...um...chicken wings!
• Best still shot ever in a movie?

• Is he going to inject himself?  Nope...the squid....reminds me a bit of One Eyed Monster
• Why can the squid fly?
• Did she just fart after getting headbutted to the butt?
• Did that squid just...um...you know have sex with that fatty Tuna roll?
• Yep, that squid is getting freaky
• I wonder if this is where they got the idea for Attack of the Killer Donuts
• Why did she stick her tongue out?  
• Good grief...pervy guys of course
• Is that struggling or dancing?
• Fear of knives...interesting
• Maybe he did inject himself
• YES!  MORE KISSING SOUNDS!
• A Japanese kiss that uses an egg?  OH MY GOD!  THAT IS DISGUSTING!
• Gives the Clerks scene about snowballing a completely different meaning....
• Is the sushi suppose to be singing?
• Yet more farting
• Yep the sushi sings...this is a weird flick
• They got over their embarrassment pretty quickly
• LEGENDARY ROBOT DANCE!!!!
• Its warm?  Is sushi suppose to be warm?
• That...is a lot of blood
• He just cut off his own nose and lips
• Something got in there?  GOOD GRIEF!
• Nosaka....good plan!
• He became a giant tuna....and somehow has a giant axe
• Well those are random boobs
• Baby sushi?
• Good grief shut up egg sushi!
• Rice sushi zombies....nice
• Longest 400 yards ever
• The sushi had a flame thrower!  SEARED SUSHI!
• That is a barn?
• He understands these things because he grew up poor?  Yeah I don't understand either Keiko
• That was a lot of rice she had in her mouth!
• YES!  HE GRABBED THE KNIFE!
• Sushi-chucks!  YES!
• A lot of snowballing in this flick.....
• Special Sushi Roll....not what I was expecting....its just a weird CGI Sushi roll battle ship....
• That was a tranquilizer?  Really?  
• This flick is really weird!
• The subtitles are cracking me up; much funnier than the English sometimes.  
• BEST RUN EVER!!

That flick was very fun!  It was just the right amount of camp and overacting without being just stupid.  The CGI was horrible but I think it is suppose to be.

I give it a 7/10 because it knew what it was and embraced it.  Like Attack of the Killer Donuts and Zombeavers it is exactly what it should be.  

I had both subtitles and English soundtrack and they bother were entertaining.  The voice of the evil business man was so fantastic!  Evil in the campy way.

I would suggest people hunting this flick down because it was fun and entertaining and just weird enough to make you shake your head!

Movie Review: Empire of the Sharks

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening...whenever it is you have come across todays entry.  Today, 12/02/17, I am checking out the Syfy/Asylum flick Empire of the Sharks.  It currently has a rating of 2.9 with 271 people rating it.  It stars John Savage, Jack Amstrong and Thandi Sebe.  "On a future earth where 98% of the surface is underwater, a Warlord who controls an army of sharks meets his match when he captures the daughter of a mysterious shark caller."  An army of sharks?  How can this be bad!

• My god, Big Ben is underwater...should I care?
• Slow boat or slowest boat?
• You can own the ocean?  
• Is it that hard to make salt water drinkable?
• Is Mr. Scream drunk...or it is Mason Scrim
• Where is Freddy Kruger to make a power glove joke?

• Wait...he'll go deeper...than the sharks?
• Yes hide the time keeping device next to your boobs...they kidnappers will NEVER look there
• Probably can't save the girl if EVERYONE knows you are there
• The most realistic looking sharks EVER!
• Wait...they took the girls...to be regular slaves?  What kind of warlord is this?  Healthy male workers seem better for that kind of job....is that sexist of me?
• Yep because pearls would still be valuable in a world without clean water.....
• So the sunstone means she can call sharks....okay
• He is the least intimidating hero ever
• Serious cheddar?  Who talks like that?
• There is the Asylum over-the-top acting!  LOVE IT!
• The captain chick is not a good actress...but then again compared to most of the people here she isn't bad
• This kid has no idea what he is doing?  Worst plan ever, why not just take the supplies in himself?
• ARMY OF SHARKS!
• Man the CGI is awesome
• Some day I want to own the ocean like this warlord.  I believe that is called life goals
• Oh shit....the power glove failed!
• How does the power glove work I would like to know
• This is actually a really boring Asylum flick sadly
• Scrim is so over the top it is fun
• Nice they threw in a hammerhead
• I think there is a T-Rex around the way the water is rippling
• That was the dumbest way to jump in the water I've ever seen
• Yeah teaching her how to control the sharks wasn't the best idea there warlord man
• He even makes his own sound effects...awesome!
• The sharks sure can breach in the future
• Those gloves won't still work without hands sunshine
• Is she a mermaid?  
• Wait...are they a frat now?  Is she going to start spanking people with that paddle?
• They had a shark caller to trainer her...so they have a shark caller?  I'm confused by this
• And why do all that bullshit if she can just do it?  

Well that was a disappointing flick even by Asylum standards to be honest.  It wasn't campy enough to be enjoyable and not bad enough to be laughable...it was just there and fell flat.

Overall I think the 2.9 is a little high and I give it a 2/10.  Usually I try to find something good to say about a film but this just did not have anything unfortunately. Usually Asylum flicks are campy B movie fun but this was not.  I read that this came out during Sharknado week so I feel like they just threw a script together and put it out there without really working on it.  

I cannot say to check this flick out.  Save your bad movie viewing time for others.