Movie Review: Once Upon a Time in Venice

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening...whenever it is you have come across this entry.  Today (8/27/17) I'm checking out the flick Once Upon a Time in Venice.  It stars Bruce Willis, John Goodman and Jason Momoa.  Today it has a 5.2/10 rating on IMDB.  "A Los Angeles detective seeks out the ruthless gang that stole his dog."  I can't think of a witty line here for this brilliant plot summary so....um....here we go!

• Does Bruce even make movies that go to theaters anymore?
• He is looking REALLY old
• eskimotube?  I'll have to look that one up...er...um....
•  Thomas Middleditch is kind of funny thus far, so awkard
• Ah her brothers, this makes more since
• That is Bruce Willis butt
• Where did he just stick that gun?
• I'm a fan of Billy Gardell, ever since Dragon Wars
• He is worried about the gun not naked Bruce Willis?
• WTF is happening here?  This is more disjointed then something that is disjointed...damn it I had something for this!
• Well that isn't going to help its resale value
• Femke?  NICE!
• Random David Arquette appearance?
• Lew the Jew?  Really
• John Goodman is good in almost everything isn't he?
• Nice that he pushed in the chair
• This has a really good cast
• What the fuck is that guy wearing?
• WTF is this movie?  It is all over the place
• That is a dude dude
• Noodle on you?  What does that mean?
• A set up?  
• Never mess with a mans dog
• Bruce gets knocked out a lot
• That is a lot of drag queens
• Such a random flick
• And Goodmans "Maybe I'll die" made me laugh
• Shooter McGavin?
• Spyders friend?  How convoluted is this flick?
• Always take the ninja throwing star...always!
• Again how great is John Goodman?
• Should've been a paint granade
• Wait...that is how it ended?  WTF?

Well that was certainly something.  I guess I'll start with my rating...I think IMDB has it correct with their 5/10.  

The cast of this flick was great but so weird and random.  People just showed up for a scene and then that is it and the whole thing with David Arquette...I don't get it.  It made no sense and had no point. I kept waiting for him to show back up but nothing.  

I cannot really recommend this flick.  I would like to but I just cannot say watch it.  I would not say do not watch it either.  It was just there.  At 90 minutes it had a decent running time and you won't feel like you've wasted your time but do not seek it out.

Until next time...Abyssina!

Movie Review: 21 Jump Street

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening...whenever it is you have come across this entry. Today I'm looking at the 2012 flick 21 Jump Street.  As of 8/26 IMDB visitors have given this flick a 7.2/10 after being rated by 439,337 people.  It stars Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum and Ice Cube.  "A pair of underachieving cops are sent back to a local high school to blend in and bring down a synthetic drug ring."  It has skinny Jonah Hill so I"m not sure about this but I've been told it is funny and it is the next flick in my queue so lets see if this movie is worth watching or does it "jump" the shark.  Sorry I couldn't think of a good line there.

• Starting off with Eminem doesn't make me happy
• Nice hair Jonah
• Is that one "kid" in his 40's...oh because it is Tatum
• Jonah just looks weird skinny
• Okay the Frisbee thing was funny
• Oh yeah, those guys are undercover cops for sure
• Good grief what is wrong with these cops?
• Nice, recalling shit from the past joke, very good!
• And then came Ice Cube!  YAY!  
• Did he say Justin Beaver?
• How does he know his dick dirty?  That is weird
• How great is Ice Cube?
• I do strangely buy Jonah as a high school kid, Tatum not so much
• Oh it is happening again sunshine
• Okay this scene is funny, stupid kids with cars
• I agree, what the fuck are those things?
• Are high school kids really like this?
• Yeah, Parnell as a drama teacher makes sense
• A little peter inside of you...ha ha
• Yep completely buying Parnell 
• Ah that is Franco's brother, dealing drugs, that makes perfect sense
• Finger each others mouth...aha ha haha
• Rob Riggle!
• I hate that I'm laughing at this flick
• That was the wrong performance...EVER!
• If they don't have the batons that stops them from winning right?  Good plan 
• Is that Heath Ledger in this flick?
• NERDS!  Who would play collectible card games in the science room....(I did that in high school...was...was...was I nerd)
• Yeah fucking Glee!
• Really?  Evidence locker?  GOOD GRIEF 
• Crazy mom was funny as hell
• Gotta say either drug dealing or blowing stuff up seems really cool....according to this flick...
• I hate guys like Franco in this flick, personally I'd love to punch him in the face!
• Heath Ledger is throwing me off
• He literally choked, nice
• A nice hand shake to seal the deal!
• A car chase in a drivers training car, nice
• YES!  I've always wanted to see someone spear Peter Pan as he was one the wires
• This is the best version of of Peter Pan EVER!!
• Of course worlds are colliding
• Are those the original guys?
• Uggg, I hate Depp
• A limo car chase now, nice
• That car explosion did not look good
• Not cool Butters, you don't shoot a man in the dick
• WITH HIS MOUTH?!?!
• Did he just randomly kiss that chick?

Well that was more entertaining then I wanted it to be.  I remember the previews and it didn't look that entertaining but it was good.  I'd give it a 7/10 so pretty much on par with what IMDB has.

My biggest complaint is that it was little long and drawn out which keep it from getting a higher rating from me.  The multiple chases, while entertaining, drug a little.  

I also thought the fight at the play, while highly funny, could have been cut back some.  There are other scenes too, like the mom yelling about chores and things like that that could have shaved a few minutes.  And don't get me started on the entire scene in the shoe store!  Pointless and should have been cut completely.

The flipping of roles in High School was predictable but funny and well done.  In fact the entire thing was well done minus some stereotyping but I think that was part of the charm

I can't hate on this film too much but it was just average for me.  Nothing spectacular at all but entertaining all the same.  I'm sure most of the people out there have seen this already but if you haven't it is worth checking out if you're looking to laugh a little.

Until next time...Abyssinia!

Movie Review: Starship Troopers: Traitor of Mars

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening...whenever it is you have come across this blog.  This time I am reviewing the movie Starship Troopers: Traitor of Mars.  It stars Casper Van Dien, Dina Meyer and DeRay Davis.  As of 8/25/17 it has a 5.5/10 on IMDB.  "Federation trooper Johnny Rico is ordered to work with a group of new recruits on a satellite station on Mars, where giant bugs have decided to target their next attack."  This series has been very hit or miss so I'm not sure what to think about this new one.  However lets get ready to go on a bug hunt boys and girls!  DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER!?!

• Starting off good with a good running time of under 90 minutes
• Wait...is this animated?
• Uggg, this doesn't look good at all
• They just sat there while the bugs tore that guy apart?
• Wow, these up closes shots through the HUD are not good and we've already had too many
• How are the bugs getting through the gas?
• I hope it is my copy that has the voices not match the characters...god I hope so
• Who wrote this?  Edward Neumeier...who did the original?  How?  This is horrible...maybe I remember the first one better
• Was there just a bad cut...in an animated film?
• Good grief, they brought back characters from the first film, made them look weird and not the same characters?  Why?
• Yeah the story seems interesting but the animation is kind of video gamey and the inclusion of past characters with different people is weird
• Good grief, the one kid with glasses is dumb as a bug...get it
• So Rico already knows he's been set up?  
• Why did he need to use his suit?  Couldn't the pilot do that on Rico's command?
• Seriously enough of the extreme close ups!!!
• Why is the kid with the glasses still alive, that is too bad
• Yeah salute while the bugs are incoming...makes perfect sense to me!  
• They actually gave these kids nukes?  GOOD GOD!
• Yeah we just set off a bunch of nukes, lets take our helmets and masks
• Should we know who/what the Special Branch is?
• The smile on the characters are creepy; actually all the faces are
• I do like the "Want to know more" videos are back
• Well this is very anti-government, which I hear the book is
• The Sky Marshall character looks like Emma Watson
• Ah the Judge Dredd/X-Men prison on a bridge
• Some of the voice acting is just play awful
• Shoot from the ship perhaps maybe?
• So Rico is dead....again?
• I was wrong, the run time is bad...because this isn't great
• So the Q-Bomb is basically a planet buster?  Of course humans would make that an option
• 97% approval?  Really?  
• Why not bring back Jake Busey, he isn't busy I don't think (I'm wrong, he is in the upcoming Predator film)
• This is creepy seeing these characters kiss
• The facial expression on the characters just don't work, they don't match the situation
• Trying to upload to social media?  
• Dizzy looks like the martian from Mars Attacks
• Takes dozens of bullets to kill a bug but Rico can do it with a rock, a knife and a bug leg, nice
• Bugs do love to cut humans in half
• Okay the backpack minigun is cool
• This feels like a Halo movie
• Excuse me while I rip the sky?  Really?  Someone wrote that?
• General Rico?
• God bless social media
• WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DURING THE CREDITS?!?!

Well that was a movie for sure.  I guess I'll start with my rating.  I will give it a 5/10, just slightly below the IMDB average.  The voice acting was poor and the animation just weird.  Remember that weird Final Fantasy movie years ago?  How it looked real yet it didn't?  Yeah that is what this was.  I felt creepy watching this at times, especially when Rico kissed Carl/Dizzy...and I won't even get into that concept.

The characters are very stereotypical.  A rag tag group of misfit soldiers come together to save the day...after EVERYONE on Mars is killed.  Yes...everyone is seemingly dead or it is strongly implied by the Sky Marshall that that is the case.  I find it weird and actually very unsettling that Carl would allow the bugs to be on Mars for "Three Years" and only try to stop it a day or two before the attack (seemingly since the movie doesn't really have a time frame to judge it by).  

You have several side characters who mean nothing but sacrifice themselves or die and I feel like it should have meant something but it didn't really.  It meant nothing at all because we knew nothing about them.  When Dizzy died in the 1997 flick you cared because we grew to know her.  When the one armed teacher died the same.  When random cousin of glasses guy flies the transport into the plasma bug I felt...nothing.  Nope just a stereotype hillbilly died killing a bug.  

I think the biggest problem with the film is that the story line doesn't make 100% sense.  The Sky Marshall "The Smartest Woman Ever" who "is never wrong" decides to keep the colonies in check with the Federation they sacrifice an entire planet (or colony...not sure how much of the planet was terraformed).  Then blow up the entire planet, bugs and all, and all colonies will stay in check. But...um....all those deaths will just be overlooked.  Oh right because the humans are stupid and hate hillbillies!  (That is basically right from the flick actually).  I mean what if the Q-Bomb had failed even without Rico and the Lost Boys (I don't remember their troops name, the lost something) stopping it.  Also why would the bugs go after the area with the Q-Bomb?  Too many questions for this movie!

Overall unless you absolutely LOVE this series don't bother.  If you want to kill 90 minutes this will do it for you!

Until next time...Abyssinia!

Movie Review: DC Vixen: The Movie

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening...whenever it is you've come across this entry.  I am back after another brief absence with another movie review.  This time I'm checking out the Vixen: The Movie.  It stars Megalyn Echikunwoke, Stephen Amell and Katie Cassidy.  This is a continuation from a series of shorts last year...at least I think it is.  "Originally from Africa, Mari McCabe grew up an orphan after her parents were killed by local greed, corruption and wanton violence. But Mari refuses to succumb to the terrors surrounding ..."  I like most of DC's animated Universe so lets see if I continue to!

• I'm pretty sure this is from last year shorts, the opening.  It is interesting that she is quicker then the fastest man alive
• I wonder if this is just the shorts put together into a movie....
• Yeah, now I'm almost 100% sure these are the shorts
• I've seen this and I'm still confused on how Vixen's power works
• Animation makes it so easy to do good disolves
• Wow Cisco and Barry don't look even close to the show
• I like the mask and cape comment
• So is Ollie trying to kill her with his arrows?
• Still don't get how she is faster than Flash
• Kidnapping to Africa does sound bad, even if it is to find out ones background
• I feel like I'm suddenly watching the Lion King, all I need is a farting warthog
• How is she going to get back to Detroit?  Oh...guess we don't need to know that information
• Yeah this isn't Star Wars brothers and sisters don't kiss here Ollie
• Very weird outfit
• Okay so half of the flick is from the TV shorts, nice
• Shouldn't she have a mask or something?  You know people can figure out who you are otherwise...well then again it is DC and everyone knows everyone secret identity.  
• I just realized who Vixen's dad is, it is the dad from The Middle
• Vixen's outfit is provocative....guess it is to distract people like her name
• Yes, use the job and ex card, good idea Vixen
• Where does Gorilla Grodd come in?
• GOOD GRIEF THAT GORILLA JUST BEAT THE HELL OUT OF THAT GUY!!!
• How to bullets constantly miss her?
• Wait...did this just become Captain Planet?  Because...he is our hero!
• Nice, Weather Wizard call back
• What is Firestorm going to do against a Tsunami?
• Oh...apparently just shoot it with fire
• Yeah why does Cisco get to name the bad guys?  He is awful!
• So she can dodge bullets but not lightning?  
• Too bad Detroit doesn't have a real superhero, it needs it!  Then again so does the world
• Hugo Strange?  Nope
• Wait...that stone gives him the power of fire?  They're all different?
• Why turn into a cat when falling, why not...I don't know...a bird
• How is she not burned?
• Just boil the water and then get the totem...no...bad guys are so dumb sometimes
• Yes guy who kidnapped me, help me...of course lets go see my sister, the one who tried to kill me
• of course she lied to you!  
• She just sent the dogs to attack the cops?  GOOD GRIEF
• So Cannery just gave away Arrow's identity, nice
• There should be a LOT of steam
• This is basically Devils Night in Detroit right?
• They did a horrible job of making the characters look like their human counter parts

Well that wasn't horrible, I continue to like the DCAU.  Overall I'd give it a 7/10, you know my average.  That is slightly above the 6.5 on IMDB as of 8/25.  

I like the voice acting throughout and honestly I don't have anything negative to say about the flick minus the fact that the animated characters have the live action voices but not their faces.  I feel that could have been better done but that is just cosmetic so to speak, didn't really hurt the flick.

The stories were good but you could tell it is just the series of shorts but together into a long form animated flick.  It'd be like putting several Batman the Animated series episodes together and calling it a movie.  Yes but no

Overall it is worth checking out if you like the DCAU/CW Universe.  It can be skipped as it doesn't do anything to further the CW Universe really.

Until Next time...Abyssinia!

Movie Review; Bottom 100: Emoji Movie

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, whenever it is you are reading this review.   After taking sometime off for personal reasons (one being I am getting married in less then 90 days!) I am back for another bottom 100 flick.  This time it is a recent film that has already reached the top of the bottom...or whatever.  It is currently #11 (as for 08/10/17) which is something for such a new movie! It has a 1.8.  "Gene (SHUT UP WITH THE JOKES, THIS IS MY BLOG, I DO THE JOKING AROUND HERE), a multi-expressional emoji, sets out on a journey to become a normal emoji."  It stars T.J. Miller, James Corden and Anna Faris.  Remember boys and girls...I watch this so you don't have to!

• What fresh hell is this?  Oh a Hotel Transylvania short.  Just what the world was asking for!
• This alone makes this horrible!
• When does the funny start?
• Ah yes, the funny starts with the giant dog attacking the "bones family reunion"
• Get it, they are skeletons...ha ha
• Well that is true, people do love phones!
• That was almost funny, who does type full words...oh wait this guy does
• Being meh isn't that hard, I do it all the time
• Wait...why are they scared?  Because he wasn't meh?  That doesn't make sense
• None of this makes sense
• Good grief, does Patrick Stewart have no no response?  
• I am 12 minutes in and I have to step away....
• And I'm back...dear lord are they going to break into a song?
• I ask again...when does the funny start?
• Lots of unfunny poop jokes 
• They are going to KILL HIM?!
• Nice product placement, candy crush was so 10 years ago
• A shit ton of product placement in this flick
• Uggg the dialog to fit in with product placement is horrible. 
• I forgot how annoying I find Steven Wrights voice
• Uggg, TJ Miller is even annoying just in his voice
• Of course the robots can dance
• So they are implying that deleting the app kills the people in the app?  GOOD GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE OVER THE YEARS!
• This is like a poor mans Wreck-It Ralph
• So...this basically sets up that each phone is its only universe with its own versions of each of these characters...they are basically preaching the multiverse theory aren't they?
• Ah the old tie the tentacles into a knot trick
• Oh, so that is why they call it a firewall
• The twitter bird?  Really?  
• And Gene saved the day by being a freak...of course

Well that was not good!  I guess it doesn't quite deserve a 1.8 as it isn't that bad but it isn't much better.  I say it is a 3/10.  It was uninspired and honestly it is basically just a cheap Wreck-It Ralph knock off.  But it is missing what make Ralph good.

This flick had poor voice acting and no heart.  It honestly was missing the heart that Ralph had.  I know it is a kids flick but that doesn't mean it has to be bad.  The storyline of being yourself is good but overall, as I said, it feels uninspired.  

Overall I guess maybe pre-teens would find it funny but I just didn't.  I can't say to go see it.  If you've seen Wreck-It Ralph then you have and if you haven't go watch that instead!

Until next time....Abyssinia!

(AND NO GENE JOKES!!)